1. They don’t post you or about you on social media (The Privacy Fallacy).
Upon first glance, you’re probably like: “wait a minute, Jaz! Lots of people don’t post their significant others on social media! It’s called privacy!” You’re 100% correct, but there’s a such thing as a privacy fallacy, in my book. The privacy fallacy is something people hide behind when they WOULD post about you, but they don’t want to and they need an excuse not to. What better way to hide you than to say: “I’m a private person”? There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy means no one knows much; secrecy means no one knows at all.
People who hide behind the privacy fallacy most likely don’t want others to know about you for some reason in particular—and if you’re in a situationship, they don’t want anyone to know about you just in case another opportunity (man/woman) that sparks their interest comes along. If people think they’re in a committed relationship, they’ll have a harder time scouting for other people to entertain.
They may appease you by posting snippets of you, but it’s always cryptic: they won’t use your name, they don’t post your face, etc. In my own personal experience, I dated someone (it was a situationship, not a relationship) who never posted about me, but the minute he kicked me to the curb and started dating someone else, he 1) posted a photo with them on social media and 2) had no issue making the new girl his girlfriend. All I ever got was empty promises. Which brings me to number 2:
2. They only discuss being in a relationship in the future, but they’re enjoying relationship privileges right now.
Have you ever really liked someone, but when it came down to actually committing to one another, they “weren’t ready”, had “a lot going on”, etc.? These are very valid reasons why someone may not want to commit yet, but the problem arises when they’ve already been enjoying the perks of a relationship with you—without actually committing.
If they’ve been able to kiss you, have sex with you, hang out with you all the time, etc., without having to commit to an exclusive relationship with you, why would they start now? The empty promises of them one day committing to you are most likely their way of keeping you around so they can continue to enjoy relationship perks without relationship effort. Set some boundaries so that they don’t have access to you that they haven’t earned.
3. You have to ask: “What are we?”
This is perhaps the most obvious sign of them all. Someone who values you and your feelings and truly wants you will make sure there’s no confusion about who you are to them and how they feel about you. If you ever are uncertain, though, never be ashamed to ask them!
Someone who cares about you won’t make a fuss over why you’re asking. If they answer with anything cryptic, such as:
- “We’re cool.”
- “we’re us.”
- “I thought we were just hanging out.”
then chances are, they’re playing games. I actually don’t even recommend you ask “What are we?” It’s too open-ended of a question. Be direct. Ask: “Am I your girlfriend/boyfriend?” This is a yes or no type of question, and if they find a way to make the answer complicated: They. Are. Playing. Games. Jump off the situation-ship!
Before I go, I want to leave you with this: I’m only one person, and everyone’s experiences may differ. Don’t take my advice as the gospel truth, rather, ask God for discernment, and be ready for Him to show you the truth! I’ll leave you with a scripture that would benefit anyone—no matter your beliefs:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23
