Last night, I was considering joining a platform called Substack (It’s a newsletter platform that also functions like a blog). It offers the ability to create free and paid content, and though it’s certainly appealing upon first inspection, I found myself uneasy about the commitment it requires— specifically if I wanted to create paid content that people would pay for monthly or yearly. The idea of people paying a subscription for something immediately put pressure on me to commit to consistency, and…I don’t like that. But why??? What happened in my childhood that made me scared to commit to things? That’s usually where it starts, right? In childhood?
The crazy thing is, it’s painfully obvious that commitment scares me, and I’ve only just realized it. I’ve even made a blog post about this before— the whole “I hate that I HAVE TO do this” thing. I think I’ve become so attached to freedom that the idea of following structure and committing to something on a consistent basis feels like…jail? It’s as if, in my mind, something is only worth pursuing when I have the freedom to come and go as I please. It’s the reason why I haven’t posted on The Content Recipe in two years. It’s the reason why I stopped making my digital illustrations on Pinterest. It’s the reason why I start and don’t finish…So. Many. Projects. I’m so used to doing things when I feel like it that I’ve lost the discipline of consistency, of seeing things to completion.
The pressure to show up consistently has at some point in my life become scary to me. Perhaps it’s rooted in a fear of letting people down? Or maybe it’s the fact that I’ll have to show up despite whether I “feel like it” or not, and I don’t like that? I think I’ve done so many things that I felt like I “had to do” that I subconsciously started seeking ways to rebel— to do what I wanted to do instead of what I had to do. For example: going to sleep at a reasonable time. For some reason, I developed a subconscious (now conscious) mindset to stay up and scroll on my phone instead of going to sleep because I felt like I was in control. As if going to sleep was somehow robbing me of that. Ain’t that something?
This newfound revelation has me thinking now…maybe I should only start things when have a plan to finish it— when I have the mindset to show up consistently whether I feel like it or not. So now, the question is…
How do I develop the mindset to commit to consistency, regardless of my feelings of motivation or lack thereof? ~stares off into the distance~
