Before I give you boundary suggestions, it’s important that you lay your boundaries on the line instead of keeping them to ourself and hoping the other person doesn’t cross them. Once you’re aware of this person’s intentions, make your boundaries known from the jump! This will set the tone for how you expect to be treated, and it will keep either from you from wasting time if your boundaries are an issue for them. Also, pay attention to how they react to these boundaries! Are they trying to push you as close to the line as possible without crossing it? Are they completely disregarding your boundaries? Or are they accepting and respectful of your boundaries? Those are just some things to keep in mind. Let’s get started on these boundaries.
1. Stop talking every day!
This is why so many talking phases fizzle out, because you talk every day and you get burned out! When you talk to someone 24/7, especially via text, you create this illusion that because you know all their favorites and their basic autobiography, that this is “the one” and you’re “super close.” In reality, knowing about someone is different from truly knowing someone. The latter is something that takes more than texts and phone calls; it takes time and experiencing life with this person in person. You can know all the paper facts about someone, but do you know what this person is like when they’re angry? How do they handle stress? How do they treat strangers? Can you read their body language? What are their bad habits? I could go on and on. These are things you learn by spending time in person and not from texting all day every day. Talking every day also expedites a process that should take months, if we’re being honest.
2. Restrict Your Availability
Maybe it’s just me, but when I like someone, I have a tendency to drop what I’m doing to give my time to that person. This is something I’ll no longer be doing. You know why? Because my priorities matter, and so do yours! That being said, put them on do not disturb during the time you don’t plan on talking to them– not to be rude, but so that you can stay focused on your responsibilities when necessary. You are not 7/11, designed for their convenience. When you show them that you’re always available, they’ll likely take advantage of that and put you on the back burner. That’s when you get texts at 2 a.m. talking ’bout: “you up?”
Figure out what days and times you’re available to talk or hang out, and let them know; they should do the same! This will force the two of you to be intentional about making time for one another, rather than haphazardly making plans. It also weeds out the people who don’t intend on being intentional with you or your time. Sometimes we’re busy and our schedules clash, but when we care about somebody, we still make time.
One of the most important things about this boundary is that it gives you a realistic impression of adult life. Sometimes your schedules don’t line up, and based off of that alone, you can realize that there’s no compatibility because you can’t give one another the time and attention you deserve. Time is the most expensive thing you own because there’s no refund policy, and nothing can replace it. Repeating history is not a refund, it’s a re-purchase.
3. Avoid Sexual Activity.
This boundary in particular relies heavily on you laying your boundaries on the line from the get-go. You know why? Because someone who is only interested in your body will run for the hills when they realize sexual activity with you is off the table. Imagine this: out of all the things that could be a deal-breaker for someone, they ditch you because they can’t have sex with you. They could’ve rejected dating you because of how far away you live, your beliefs or lack thereof, your personality– but they chose sex as a deal-breaker. This let’s you know that from the beginning they had an agenda of at least having sex with you, even if dating you didn’t turn into a committed relationship or marriage. The right person can wait for you.
Now, Jaz, what do you mean by….”avoid?” Well, I’m biased. My relationship with Christ motivates me to wait until marriage, but I’m not here to force that on you. I do, however, encourage abstaining from sexual activity because of the emotional attachment and cloudy judgement that often comes along with it. Now there’s a very interesting thing happening with a lot of people where they claim not to have any emotional attachment to sex. Be very weary of those people– and maybe you are one of those people, but hear me out. If someone claims to have turned off their emotional association with sex, then what other areas have they shut off their emotional availability? I know it takes some warming up to open up, and that’s not quite what I’m referring to. I’m referring to people who have firewalls in place to ensure that no one– not themselves or others– has access to a certain part of them. It’s like dating a locked character on a video game. You can see a silhouette of the character, but you have to work really hard, tackle levels, and achieve high scores to see what they truly look like. You are dating a person, not a project; you should never dedicate your effort and time into trying to change someone. Helping someone is one thing, draining yourself to reach a deeper connection with someone is another.
My last point on this boundary is something I wish I didn’t have to bring up, but I absolutely should. People are not cars that need to be test-driven before you commit. There’s an idea floating around that you should know what a person’s sex is like before committing to them. This is a very immature mindset. Sex is not stagnant; it’s something that can change and get better. I’m a firm believer than when you take the time to develop an intimate relationship without sexual activity, it makes your sex-life that much better.
4. Keep Your Options OPEN.
You know the saying: “there’s plenty of fish in the sea!” …Why don’t we act like it? Before I continue, I want to make it very clear that this boundary refers to dating when you’re single, not when you’re in a committed relationship or married. I personally haven’t mastered the art of casually dating different people– having them on rotation. I don’t even think I have the energy for that, so that’s not necessarily what I’m getting at. What I am getting at is that you should always remember that this person is not the only person in the world you could give your time to. When we operate from a mindset that we’ll never find someone else, we become more likely to compromise our boundaries and lower our standards. Don’t do that. Drake once said: “you ain’t the only one that’s tryna be the only one,” and I believe that’s an attitude you should keep (even if they are the only one at the time)! This is not to be cocky, but to remember that there is absolutely nothing forcing you to put up with someone that doesn’t deserve your time and attention.
5. Don’t Give Them Relationship Privileges Before The Relationship!!!
If you turned on your TV one day and suddenly had access to premium channels with only a standard subscription, would you bother paying a premium bill? Or would you enjoy those premium features at a standard price? So why are you giving away relationship privileges without requiring relationship commitment? (If you want to be in a committed relationship, make it known from the beginning. If they aren’t crystal clear that they want the same, I wouldn’t even waste my time.) If you guys have been getting to know one another for a while, and you’re ready to step things up, then one of you should step forward and express your desire to make it committed relationship. In the meantime, think about things that you would only do in a committed relationship, and draw the line so that those privileges are not given away prematurely. For example, I’ve made it a boundary not to kiss anyone who isn’t my boyfriend. It saves you from the dreadful feeling of being in a situationship. You know, the “what are we” kind of thing, where you act like you’re exclusive, but you technically aren’t, and now you’re confused. Yeah. Avoid that like the plague. Maybe my next post will be on how to spot a situationship in the making so you can save yourself the emotional strife. What do you think?
